Non-consensual conversations.

OR perhaps this should be called “why self-awareness is such an important conversation skill”.

I have two boys. Aiden is 16 and Charlie is 13. We talk about ALL kinds of things at the dinner table.

On of the topics I ensure we talk about is sex, because I want to ensure they feel comfortable, and are well educated on the topic.

There was the time I was interviewing Cindy Gallop on my podcast because I love her business Make Love Not Porn.

I like it because her site shows regular people having regular loving sex, not porn, which can show people’s bodies and sex in a distorted way (in my opinion).

I know my kids will see porn online, so I want them to understand that this kind of sex is made by actors to entertain, and in many cases, to shock and degrade. And that real sex with someone they like, or love is usually quite different.

I was talking to them about the difference in Cindy’s site and porn (while trying to work out what questions I could ask Cindy that would be unique).

Other times we had a conversation about how someone could change or transition gender. What is the process, asked Aiden? I had a good understanding because I had interviewed Emery Fung on my podcast and he explained the three stages to me.

Last year Aiden had sex education class during one of the semesters, and so each week I was always asking what the topic for that week was, and then we would discuss. ALL the kids were looking forward to the week where they would get to practice putting a condom on a wooden banana while wearing “beer” googles to simulate being drunk. MOST FUN CONVERSATION EVER!!  

OK, it was just fun for me.

One week the topic was about sex and consent. SUCH an important topic. I haven’t met a mother bringing up boys that doesn’t want to ensure they never force another person to have sex with them. So, we talk about consent quite a bit. They roll their eyes quite a bit. I don’t care.

It’s interesting to me that the idea of consent doesn’t apply to other situations, like in business and at work.

For example since the start of 2025 I have experienced non-consensual coaching, unsolicited business advice and being “talked” at numerous times.

It’s a funny world. Clearly I give off some kind of vibe that tells others that I want help and advice, and to be told stuff. But those of you who know me would likely say I’m a fairly strong character, and quite direct.  A strong independent woman some would say.

So you see, if I wanted help, advice and to be talked at, about topics I’m actually quite educated in, I would ask. And I do.

But there have been a few instances recently where I have wondered if there is something written on my forehead that says “this one needs your help”. Whip out those coaching questions” or “this woman looks like she doesn’t know anything. Get in there with some advice. Don’t worry if she didn’t ask for the advice.” And my favourite at a recent “networking” event where I know quite a lot in general about the overall topic, and quite a lot about a more niche topic that someone talked at me on.

So let’s start with non-consensual coaching. Love this term, coined by a friend I was telling about this exact situation.

The situation was a meeting to “get to know” each other. We are both in business and part of the conversation was sharing what we do. I work in Diversity & Inclusion consulting. They work as a coach and doing a few other related things.

We also discussed how we could support and help each other in our businesses. This is where things took a turn. They shifted into coaching mode, and started asking “coaching” questions. I know they were coaching questions because:

a) I am a qualified coach at Masters level,and

b) I get paid to do coaching as part of my work.

Feeling like all of a sudden they thought they were here to coach me, I spoke up and said, this is not a coaching conversation. I don’t think they were listening.

More coaching questions which had me again saying, I didn’t sign up to be coached, and this is not a coaching conversation. Still didn’t get it 😡

Then another day. Another person in business like me. A connection through LinkedIn. We shared what each of our business is in. He decided to tell me how to do my business, and what certifications I should do.

Did I ask for this advice? No. Did I need this advice? Again no. Was he even curious about how I was going about my business before offering his illintended advice? NO. And given that this person works in a slightly different area I didn’t think he was qualified to give advice in any case.  

And now to the final person. There I am at this event. This person comes up to me and introduces themselves. Hi, nice to meet you. Hi, nice to meet you, we say.

They then proceed to tell me in A LOT OT DETAIL about what they do and how they do it. I mention that I know a bit about the topic, and why I know quite a bit about it, but not listening they continue on with their monologue of content, while I am left wondering how to escape.

The result of these interactions? I will not be interacting with these people ever again.

And the question for you is, are you doing this in your personal interactions?

Are you asking for permission to coach or give advice? Or just ploughing ahead anyway?

Are you taking up all the verbal space and oxygen while people’s eyes are glazing over? 

Have you forgotten how a conversation works? Or your manners? Your ethics? Your curiosity?

And why is this important? If you work in Diversity & Inclusion or you want to be an inclusive leader? You have to get these conversation skills sorted.

My learning? I will be putting better boundaries in place, and not meeting people for no real purpose, and when people start speaking at me, I will excuse myself and go somewhere else. Anywhere else.

Lisa xx

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